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"The Code of P.A.P"

(Also known as "The Guidelines")

(Also known as "Ten Top Tips For Pirates")

(Also known as "The Pledge")

(Also known as "The Undertakings")

First written down by Indecisive Half-beard, a little-known pirate who never quite left port

DECLARATION

Version 1

I, [insert Pirate name here] being a Pirate Against Pollution (pause for effects) hereby solemnly swear, vow, declare, say publicly, assert, announce, proclaim and affirm, that I will give some careful thought to adhering, following, abiding and otherwise putting up with the Pirates Against Pollution Top Tips, Guidelines and Undertakings, otherwise known as The Code, The Pledge or The Rules, on pain of mildly embarrasing disclosures and expulsion from the Basket-Making (see point 18).

Or version 2

I, [Pirate Name] agree to keep to The Rules

• 1. Da Balloons
• Never let go of your balloons. If they drop in the ocean, sea turtles think they are jellyfish and choke on them. (You never know when you may need a sea turtle).
• 2. Cotton buds
• Always put your cotton buds in the bin and not down the loo or else they ends up on the beach, which is not nice. (Real pirates use their finger anyway, or better still, someone else's finger. This works best if the owner is not still connected to it.)
• 3. Peeing
• Don't pee in the sea. Wait until the end of the voyage.
• 4. Parking
• Never moor your boat up a tree.
• 5. Smoking
• Don't smoke underwater. Wear a patch instead.
• 6. Recycling
• Take what you can, give nothing back. (This can't be right ?)
• 7. Blood
• Blood on your hands or the deck should be washed off with ecologically-friendly-cleaning products - don't use chlorine bleach - it poisons the sea and gives you Dead Man's Finger.
• 8. Chests
• Take a treasure chest with you if you go shopping or plundering. Don't use plastic carrier bags as they can get in the sea and also choke sea turtles, seals and sea-birds. If you haven't got a chest then a string bag will do but it looks a bit poncey.
• 9. Phone Chargers
• Pirates should not leave their phone chargers, tvs or DVDs on stand by. This is too complicated to explain.
• 10. Pets
• Pirates are allowed a pet but the following guidelines apply and all pets should be free range:
• Parrots** - always have a spare one handy in case of sudden migrations.
• Encourage your parrot to abuse polluters.
• Rabbits - rabbits are alright but can cause problems on ships if they start burrowing in the booty and most are not so good as parrots at talking.
• Albatrosses - not recommended for small ships or dinghies - need a lot of exercise.
• Beavers - never let a beaver near the mast. In fact avoid beavers altogether if possible.
• (Other pets to avoid include woodpeckers, termites, woodworm and weevils.)
• 11. Mermaids
• Always wash your mermaid at 30 degrees - they shrink in the wash
• 12. School Run
• A 4 x 4 master schooner is not the most suitable mode of transport for the school run. Row ashore in a skiff - or better still, swim.
• 13. Fighting
• Fighting on the beaches is only permitted on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday, between the hours of 12am and 11.59pm.
• 14. Swords and cutlasses and like Effects
• Plastic swords are not allowed - all self-respecting pirates use wooden ones from sustainable sources.
• 15. Bathwater
• Bathwater should be unequally distributed in the following way: Captain and ship's cat first, followed by officers and finally scurvy dogs, then crew.
• 16. Underwear
• Following a keel-hauling or plank-walking, there may be unpleasant debris in the sea. Always hook out any floating items - fish, octopus, and sea snakes may not wish to be seen wearing dirty underpants, socks and bandanas.
• 17. Recycling
• Always recycle any hooks, earrings, gold teeth and wooden legs. The market for second-hand hooks and teeth is very strong, and its nicer for the environment anyway. It's easier to remove the teeth from people who are dead, very drunk, or very absent-minded.
• 18. Ironing
• Ironing on deck is only permitted prior to the Annual Pirates Flower Arranging and Basket Weaving Presentations.
• 19. Beards
• Any bird life found in beards should be left until fully-fledged. It is against Pirate Law to knowingly disturb a bird nesting on the person.
• 20. Compost
• If composting your enemies, always make sure they are good and dead before adding them to the compost heap. Remember that composting bodies in the sea attracts sharks.
• **Parrots should really be free and not kept as pets - an 'issue'.
• Parrots are under review and the review is being kept under wraps.

 

Links, anchors & such-like

• www.flickr.com/ .. In November 2007 PAP crew from 1st Wells Sea Scouts, Norfolk UK, scoured two miles of the beach at Holkham National Nature Reserve and retrieved 15 sacks of assorted plastic and other pollution..
• www.puppetsonline.co.uk .., Desirous of a visit from friendly pirate? PAP recommends Mr Brown's Pig - aka Captain Barnacle, allegedly childrens entertainer, based Port of Bristol but will travel for gold/ luncheon vouchers.
• Fairyland Trust .. a sister organisation
• Keep a weather eye on your favourite cove ... Adopt A Beach
• Bag It and Bin It - Don't Flush It Campaign . All you need to know about why you should bin cotton buds, sanitary towels and so forth, and not put them down the loo
• Environment Agency beach litter game
• Save the storm birds ! A study of Fulmars (gull-like seabirds also known as storm-birds) found that 96% had plastic fragments in their stomachs, and in some cases this was the cause of death. A Green Turtle found dead at Blackpool had a balloon in its stomach. There's nearly 2,000 bits of litter for every kilometre of beach in the UK (an average of nearly two items for every two paces). Support Marine Conservation Society's campaign
• Almost pirates themselves ! Lend a hand to Surfers Against Sewage and their 'return to offender' campaign.
• Secrets of the seashore at River Ocean Foundation - many a strange yarn.
• All manner of strange sea creatures - Marine Life Information Network and all manner of strange sea creature experts and figurin'
• Marine campaigners